Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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