I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
