Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
