I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
