I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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