He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
