guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
