Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
