I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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