Im at strip club and am horny
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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