I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
