in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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