I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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