I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
