I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize