I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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