I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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