I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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