i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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