U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
