I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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