i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
