i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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