there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
