Don't you send me to vm
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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