Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
