Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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