I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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