just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
