i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Houston, we have a blender
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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