I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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