His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
