I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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