God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
