shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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