All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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