It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's blow job season.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
