Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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