I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize