he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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