Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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