watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
