do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
