The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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