Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
