Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You are a genius and a whore.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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