I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
