He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
