I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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