Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
