I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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