so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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