My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
