Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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