I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
