You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
