sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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