So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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