I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
