so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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